My mom's book

My mom's birthday is on June 25th. She loved that it was exactly six months before and six months after Christmas. Just over three months ago, on the evening before her special day, my sweet dad invited us all to a birthday celebration for her. I spent the weeks before trying to come up with a wonderful gift for my mom, but nothing felt right to me. I just couldn't find what I knew she would love. Until just a few days before her birthday.

In some way that only the Lord could have orchestrated, I came across this journaling edition of the Book of Mormon. And I knew immediately it was meant for my mom. Even though it wouldn't arrive until closer to the end of August (it was brand new and the first copies were in the process of being ordered), I felt strongly it was perfect for her and exactly what I should give her for her birthday. I ended up ordering two copies, thinking that we could both read and mark our own, and it would make me happy to know that I was studying the exact same version of the Book of Mormon as my mom. I made a birthday card for my mom and included a page inside, with pictures and a description of what she would be receiving in a few short weeks.

At my mom's birthday celebration, I gave her the card and she seemed sweetly happy about the gift. She said she loved it and was anxious for it to arrive. I felt so grateful I had found something she wanted and could look forward to receiving.

Fast forward many weeks to the end of August/beginning of September. My mom's health had declined rapidly within just a couple of weeks and she was taken to the hospital and put in the ICU for several days. On Tuesday, September 4th, my incredible dad brought her home on hospice for her final days. I don't even have words for the emotion or heartbreak we were all experiencing during that time.

I had seen my mom every day for many days and the morning of September 5th was no different. I was at home getting ready to go see her when a package was delivered. I quickly opened it, in the hopes I could put its contents away and have things tidy and in order when I returned home later in the day. When I pulled the packing paper out of the box, I was stunned into silence.

Both copies of the Book of Mormon, that I had ordered more than two months previous, sat in that box. To be honest, I had completely forgotten about them. They were not even a thought in my mind with everything that had been happening with my mom. I pulled the top one out, saw how beautiful and perfect it was, exactly what my mom would love, and then covered my face and shook with sobs to the deepest part of my heart. My mom would never hold that book, open that book or read a word from its pages. She would never mark it up or share her thoughts on its pages. And I didn't know how to deal with that knowledge. I cried and cried and cried, my heart shattering for the millionth time in the last few days.

As my tears subsided, I realized I had no idea what to do with that book. I felt silly giving it to her when there wasn't anything she could do with it. And to be honest, the thought of presenting that book to her, completely broke my heart. I didn't want to, because I knew I would be a mess doing it. I tried to talk myself into keeping it, as it wouldn't do her any good now, or even giving it to my sweet Annie, to use in her grandma's honor. But my heart knew it wasn't mine to keep or to give to someone else. It was my mom's. It always had been and always would be. It didn't matter if she could use it or not, it belonged to her and I knew I needed to give it to her, like I had planned those weeks previous.

So I sat down, opened up to the first page and wrote a message to my mom. That message is just for my heart and hers, but it was from my heart and it made me incredibly emotional. I could hardly get through it, even though it wasn't very long. I finished and sat for a while until my crying lessened. Then I took a deep breath and walked out to the car with the book, taking it exactly where it belonged.

When I arrived at my parents' house, I walked back into my mom's room. I greeted her as I always did, "Hi, my sweet mom!" and asked her how she was doing. She was fading fast and while she responded, it was soft and reserved. Then I told her I had a gift for her. I held it up, showing it to her and opening to several pages so she could see how beautiful it was in every way. I then asked her if she wanted me to read the inscription. To be honest, I didn't want to, but I worried if I didn't, she wouldn't ever see it. She told me she did and so I read to her. And cried through every word. I couldn't help it. It was such a beautiful, heartbreaking, touching, horrible moment.

My mom passed away eight days later.

Right after her death, I visited my dad at their house. My mom decorated their home and it is truly a thing of beauty. Everything she did was beautiful and their home was at the top of that list. Every room, every space is intentionally decorated in a way that kind of takes your breath away. And so I never in a million years expected that as I walked into their main family area, the book I gave my mom would be sitting on one of her most treasured tables, among many of her beautiful decorations. It doesn't matter if it stays there for ten more minutes or ten more years, just seeing it there healed my heart in a small way that I didn't know was possible.

My parents taught me to love the Book of Mormon with every part of my heart. I initially leaned on their testimony when I was young and first began reading from its pages. But for many years now, my testimony has been my own. It is one of the greatest gifts the Lord has ever given me and I love this book, truly another testament of Jesus Christ, with my whole self. It has changed me as a person, it has made me a better wife and mother and friend, it has taught me to love my Savior in a way nothing else could, its pages tell me every single day that my Heavenly Father loves me and the truth it shares, tells me that I will see my mom again. I don't hope it or think it or want it to be so. I know it. I absolutely know it.

And this picture reminds me of that, and so much more, every time I see it.

My favorite talk ever given on the Book of Mormon. This is one of those talks where
listening to it makes it even more powerful than reading it. It is worth your time. I promise.

He is just so happy

Elder Allen has been in the field for three weeks. His first week and a half was a little
much with the newness of everything, his native companion who speaks only Portuguese,
the news he received of my mom passing away and his birthday the day after. It was
just lonely and hard. But Campbell was both honest about the difficulty and full of faith
and testified that he knew what he was doing was right and that God was blessing him.

The letter just two days ago helped my heart so much as his adjustment is coming along, his spirits
are high and mostly, he just loves being a missionary. He finds incredible joy in testifying of God's
love for His children in Brasil and is just so very happy. Which makes his mother just so very happy.

Love this boy of mine so much I could burst.

Being a mom

Sometimes all of your plans for the day get pushed aside and instead,
you spend the day taking care of a little sickie. And feel so grateful
you have that option in your life. I'm so thankful for how well
Jacob provides for us so that I can just focus on being a mom.
It is such a tremendous blessing in my life.

Little dude

This little dude scored two touchdowns during his flag football game tonight.
I love watching him play, the happiness just oozes out of him.

So, so, so much kindness

Oh friends, I am so completely overwhelmed with your incredible kindness of the past ten days.
I don't even know how I could ever thank each of you enough. I have literally received dozens
and dozens of messages, emails, texts and phone calls. Flowers have arrived, gifts and meals
have been dropped off, sympathy has been extended, beyond what I could ever imagine. I know
I have the greatest group of people surrounding and supporting me, but this has been beyond
what I could ever have imagined. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart. I'm completely
overwhelmed. And wish with every part of my heart I could show a representation of everything
that has been extended/gifted to me. Whether it is here or not, I will never forget it. Ever.

A sweet story I have to share: In between two flower deliveries in less than 15 minutes, our
doorbell rang. Three little girls from the neighborhood stood at our door with a red plate that
had one treat on it. One of them handed me the plate and said, "We brought you this because
your mom died." I gave them each a hug and thanked them and then came in the house and
set the plate on the cupboard. And started to cry. My mom absolutely loved lemon bars.

Celebrating my mom's life

It was a beautiful day and the perfect celebration of my mom's life. As I said in
the closing prayer, "What a privilege to love her and to be loved by her." 

Cicero Group

A management work retreat for Jacob's company found us in Park City last night.
I love the people Jacob works with. As in, some of my favorite people ever.
And come away, feeling happier and lighter, every time I'm with them.

Stud

This kid is such a stud. One interception, one touchdown and a plethora of awesome
offensive and defensive moves during his game tonight. I'm a fan of Ben Allen.

Deserving of kindness

Earlier today, I took one of our cars to get the oil changed. As I pulled out of the parking lot, it took me a second, as several cars were coming. When there was finally a break, I pulled onto the road, not knowing that another car was flying around the corner into the same lane. Gratefully, we came nowhere near hitting each other, but it obviously annoyed the other driver and she honked angrily at me. She had every right to and honestly, it didn't bother me, because it was my fault and I could understand her frustration.

But as she pulled into the other lane and drove off, I had the thought, "I wonder if she would have honked in annoyance if she knew that I lost my mom last week." I have no idea and to be honest, it really didn't matter. Because that initial thought was quickly followed by a simple prayer, "Heavenly Father, please let me treat everyone I come in contact with like they recently lost someone they deeply love." Because if they did, I will never regret my actions and if they didn't, God loves them with His whole heart, they are His and they deserve my kindness.

Peace

Tonight I stood at the site that will be my mom's final resting place and it felt peaceful
and beautiful and just perfect for her. My sweet dad would never let it be anything less.

Campbell's 19th birthday

Oh my sweet boy, I miss you. Nineteen years ago today, you made me a mom and everything about
my life changed for the better. This is the first time I've spent your birthday away from you and to
be honest, I feel a little like I can't catch my breath. Especially with the news your mission president
had to deliver to you yesterday. I'm so sorry son. I am so tremendously proud of who you have
become and for your willingness to sacrifice everything to bring others to our Savior, Jesus Christ.
Your mother loves you Campbell Allen. Never forget that. And Happy, Happy Birthday my darling boy!

My sweet mom

She is gone. Whenever I think of the reunion with her parents and loved ones, and most
especially with our Savior and our Heavenly Father, I can't quit smiling. But whenever
I think about the rest of my life without my Mom, I can't quit sobbing. I witnessed one of the
most beautiful miracles of my life right before her passing this morning. God is good. Always.

Oh my sweet mom, I miss you so much already.

Sacred, heart-shattering days

I took this picture two nights ago, on my way up to see my sweet mom. I'm here again, sitting by her bedside, in the same chair I sat in during the last few days of my Gram's life. I can't believe we are doing this again, so very soon. This is so terribly awful and so sacredly beautiful at the same time. My broken heart is constantly pleading with the Lord to be near her, and to surround her with those who are waiting for her, as she leaves this life far too soon for any of us to wrap our mind around.

My heart has shattered into a million pieces, over and over again, in the last three weeks. And yet, I can literally feel my Savior holding the pieces of my splintered heart, safe, while we go through this time with my mom. And until the day He can start to put them together again for me. Because He is the Great Healer and Physician and I know I can trust Him to help this loss feel less horrific and life-changing when the time is right. Yet even as I am healed by Jesus Christ, the scars will remain on my heart, until the day I see my beautiful mom again. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

The woman who gave me life, who has made me who I am and who will never leave me, even after the Lord has asked her to be done with her life on earth, deserves nothing less. She is a part of me and my heart will never forget her. I just hope and pray she knows how deeply I love her and what a privilege it is for me to spend every second I possibly can with her during these sacred, heart-wrenching days.

He is doing it

We received Campbell's first letter from the mission field. And his last group of photos
from the MTC. Both made me so happy I could burst. I'm so incredibly proud of him.
It isn't easy, but he is doing it. And making us laugh along the way.

Excerpt of a short letter he sent to his dad today: "I havent eaten anything weird really.
Just beans and rice and rice and chicken and beans and rice and water and beans and rice.
Sometimes ramen and rice or sandwiches. Also we sometimes get beans and rice."


{If you are interested in Elder Allen's photos, they can be found scattered throughout his mission blog.}

Turning five

Oh sweet baby girl, you are so very loved. Five years ago today, you joined our family and we have
been grateful every day since. You are kind, affectionate, hilarious, brilliant, sweet, spicy and just
what we needed. Happy Birthday Grace Susanna! We are so thankful Heavenly Father sent you to us.

Grace's 5th birthday party

Our kids get to have friend birthday parties at certain ages. And it was finally Grace's turn
for her first one and she was in heaven. We invited the kids from her church class, as well
as a few neighbors right next door and it was just a really fun afternoon. And between
marshmallow/toothpick creations, pin the horn on the unicorn, a fun and hilarious
creature hunt and so many kind gifts from her friends, it seemed to be a hit.

It was a happy, happy day for sure!

God's love

The sky that greeted us after visiting my sweet mom and dad. Sometimes life
is really hard. I'm so grateful for my reminder that God is always there.