2018

If I could only choose one word for 2018, it would be heartbreaking. Yes, because of some things I've shared publicly and many I haven't. It was just a really, really hard year. I've fought harder than I've ever had to, not to go down with the darkness. And often, I look around and can't believe I am still standing. For that, I am grateful beyond words. My Savior has never left my side. Even when I couldn't feel Him and at my worst times, when I didn't even want to.

But in just under three hours, a new year begins. And I've been counting down with a bit of giddiness of late, so grateful to leave the year 2018 far behind.

But in the last many hours, the Lord has taught me that it is just fine to look forward to a new year and a clean slate. But at the same time, the events and experiences and difficulties of 2018 didn't happen by chance. They came from the agency of others, by my own agency and struggles, by mortality in general and in some cases, directly from my God. Because He loves me. And because there is nothing that He wants more than for me to run to Him. In joy and happiness, in pain and agony, in numbness and confusion. He will take all of it, if I will just come. And He has proven that again and again and again this past year.

So yes, yes, YES to 2019! Count. Me. In. But at the same time, I don't want to forget 2018. Because it brought me to my Savior and my Father in Heaven in a way that nothing else could. And for that, I will always be grateful. For the joy and the peace and the beauty of 2018. And mostly, for every hard, painful, heartbreaking moment that this year brought. I'll take it all. And bring it to God. Because that is where it belongs. Mostly, that is where I belong.

Light

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf once said, "It is by obedience that we gather light into our souls." The last three months have proved that to me in a beautiful way.

Reading the entire Book of Mormon in less than a fourth of the year was incredibly difficult to me for many reasons. I wanted to give up more times than I can count, not because of my lack of testimony of this glorious book, but because of the difficulty of life and most especially, the hard of the many weeks following when that challenge was given. But I didn't. And I don't say that to brag. I say that to testify that when we want to do something, God will give us strength. We only have to keep trying.

This wasn't my most spiritual experience of reading the entire Book of Mormon, but it filled my soul with light in a way I could never describe, because the Lord helped me do something I was asked to do by my prophet. And I believe to the deepest part of my soul that if our prophet asks us to do something, it is literally the Lord asking us to do it. And no matter how hard it felt or how many times I sincerely thought it wasn't going to happen, I kept trying and the Lord gave me strength beyond what I could muster during the last many weeks.

I read a book that I KNOW to be another testament of Jesus Christ, it filled my soul with glorious light and my Heavenly Father showed me once again that He loves me and will help me accomplish anything that He asks. How incredible is that sequence of events?

God is good. Always, always, always.

Our street

One more photo from Christmas Eve

I love this Allen cousins, and their parents, a whole lot.

Thanks for the picture Taunya!

The best

This guy is the best. No really, the very best. I don't know what I ever did
to deserve him. Nothing. The answer is a big, fat nothing.

We don't do gifts for each other at Christmas. Instead, we go away for a few days
for our anniversary/Christmas. We've done this for years. But Jacob decided this
year to change things up. And tried to justify it in a few ridiculous/hilarious ways.
And then present me with both tickets to Wicked in Salt Lake and the most gorgeous
phone, with the most incredible camera out there. I still can't get over it. He knows
I loved Wicked so crazy much and he wanted me to have an amazing phone camera
because I love photos above most everything else. But not above him.

Never above him. But the ability to take handsome photos of him, like this,
with my phone isn't the saddest thing that has ever happened to me.

This guy is the best. I haven't mentioned that before, have I?

Christmas morning

They only get one gift on Christmas, but they seem so happy, maybe we aren't completely the worst. 

It was such a fun morning. Holly and jolly and good.

Christmas Eve

 This is happiness. This is joy.

My six

My sweet chicklets. I love them so much. Not having all six here on Christmas, for the
first time, feels a little hard on my heart. But I'm so proud of each of them and what they
are doing and the choices they make. They are truly tremendous and I love being their mom.

Our Christmas card

Merriest Christmas from our family to each one of you lovely, lovely people!

Twenty years

Twenty years ago today, I walked into the temple in Zollikofen, Switzerland and walked out, sealed to Jacob Allen for this life and the rest of eternity. Next to the gospel of Jesus Christ, he is the greatest gift God has ever given me. And because of him, I have the six greatest blessings of this life and the next.

He has never left my side. When life was so beautiful and bright and achingly perfect, my sweet husband was there. When it was so horrific and numbing and I thought the darkness would actually swallow me, my sweet husband was there. And when it was mediocre and repetitive and a whole lot of meh, my sweet husband was there. He loves and builds and encourages and cares. No matter how hard it gets, he doesn't quit.

And this year especially, he was the one that held me when my boy got on a plane and left for two years and I didn't know if I would ever catch my breath again. And he was the one who sat by my side in the car, at the bottom of my parents' cul-de-sac, as the funeral home took my mom's body away. He just held me while I sobbed so deeply and so hard, I sincerely thought my shattered heart would cease beating.

He is the calm to my crazy, the happy to my grumpy, the logical to my emotional and the trusting and faithful when I am far past overwhelmed and no where near understanding.

I love you Jacob Ethan. Thank you for being mine and for being just what God knew I needed,
in order to become the person I promised Him I would become. You mean everything to me.
You are everything to me. Happy Anniversary my Love. My heart is yours. Now and forever.

My sweet dad

Being at my parents' home still feels hard for me. But seeing how my sweet dad
decorated for Christmas touched my heart so much. It was everything my mom would
have done, including the time he spent showing my little ones her favorite things.
I love my dad so much. And miss my mom so deeply.

Ballet recitals, best friends and beautiful girls

Love

My sweet boy and how he labeled his scriptures. When I saw it last night, it made me laugh.
And then feel teary. I hope he always loves himself. I hope all of my kids do. I know their mother
is working on it, at all times and in all situations. What a good example this boy is to me.

My parents

Fifty-two years yesterday. I know they aren't physically in the same place any longer,
but I also know my Mom is closer to my Dad than mortality would let us believe.
I prayed all day yesterday that my Dad could feel that. I know yesterday wasn't easy
for him. It feels heartbreaking to me and I am just a daughter. A daughter that feels
like it's the most incredible privilege ever to get Eb and Linda Davis as my parents.

Christmas piano recital

 

Benjamin had a holiday piano recital on Saturday and I loved it. Because he is amazing
and talented, because I adore his piano teacher like a crazy person and because we love
that he takes from the same incredible instructor as his cousins. It was a good morning.

Christmas dance

My beautiful girl going to the Christmas dance last night. I so love that they
still ask me to take pictures, because it is pretty much my favorite thing to do.
Especially when they include my amazing Annie and her darling friends.

Fluff

If you've never hung up a sixty-inch wreath, while Linn Allen is letting you know
which areas would be nice to have "fluffed," you haven't lived. You also haven't
known what it feels like to wish the ladder would just give out so this nightmare
could be over. He's a patient one, folks. I'm grateful for him for a million reasons.

Gingerbread creations and friends

Christmas dance day date. In the evening. So...Christmas dance evening date? A gingerbread
creation competition. These kids are fantastic. They are happy and darling and joyful and fun.
Their aprons were fantastic, their singing was amazing and their laughter made me smile.
Even from my bedroom down the hall. Have I mentioned I love teenagers?

I love how happy he looks

His letter this week was a day late because of a power outage. But the two lip sync videos his camera
uploaded this morning made up for it. If you want to take a look on his missionary blog, they are
likely worth your time. Especially if you have an extra three and a half minutes and mostly, if you
miss Campbell and his fun personality. I so love that he has become a tremendous missionary,
choosing to serve the Lord and put Him first in his life, but still staying his awesome, hilarious self.

Ben, field trips and skates

Ben had a school field trip earlier this week and a kind friend sent me this photo of him during
the ice skating fun. Oh I love this boy so much. Even if he is growing up too crazy fast.

Wonderful to me

I've been missing my boy something fierce of late and have had the thought that it
goes against everything in the nature of a mother to have their child away from them
for two years. And then I realized it also goes against the very nature of a Father
to allow His Son to suffer and to sacrifice His own life for the rest of mankind.

I tremble to know that for me He was crucified,

That for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled and died.
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

We kind of love Broadway...a lot

Finding Neverland with my Annes. Oh, it was wonderful.

I have this song on repeat. I loveth.

Guatemala

Yesterday was passport day for this darling chica. 

Yeah for travel. And humanitarian trips. And cute girls.

Nate's first grade Christmas program

Nate's 1st grade Christmas program was yesterday and it was so cute. This boy was cracking me up
during the song "I'm the Angel in the Christmas Play" with his prayer hands and looking heavenward.

But it wasn't until I took a closer look at this photo, smiling at my darling Nate and then laughing
hysterically at the sweet girl at his right, that I knew keeping it to myself would be a disservice to all
of you. Look how darling she is, I'm her new, biggest fan. I've been Nate's since the second he was born.

Christmas dinners and family

I had the chance to be a part of a beautiful Christmas dinner hosted by this sweet lady.
I was so touched to join my mother-in-law's siblings, and a couple of their spouses,
as a fill-in for Jacob's mom. The only thing that wasn't perfect was having Jacob on
a business trip, rather than next to me. But I sure love this darling Grandma Dawn
and the family I visited and laughed with that night. It was a really sweet evening.

And then...I may or may not have stayed at the country club until 12:30 in the morning talking
with these two fabulous family members. And it was one of the best nights I've had in quite
some time. Because these two are near the top of my list of people I adore the most on

 this planet. And I can't believe I get to be related to them and be called their friend.

Light

The cemetery my dad chose for my mom's burial hosts an incredibly lovely lighting event

every Monday during the holiday season. And two nights ago, I joined my dad and some
of my siblings to see the beauty of the lights throughout the cemetery and to place a 

simple luminary on my mom's grave. It was sweet and hard and I'm so glad I went.