Heart shattering news

In one of the most traumatic days we’ve ever had in mortality, on Wednesday, Jacob and I spent hours driving as quickly and safely as possible to get to our Annie. And then several more hours, on the side of the road with search and rescue and the sheriff’s department, waiting for the National Guard to bring our girl and her friends to us by helicopter, after being pulled from a river in the middle of nowhere. All with the heart shattering news that one of their close friends had lost his life on that trip—through absolutely no fault of his own or anyone with him.

I’m nowhere near in a place to process everything that happened, especially as all I seem to be doing for hours on end is praying for Scott’s family and for our Savior to be near them. I feel absolutely desperate for all of our prayers to make a difference. The only thing I do know right how (and it is tangled up with so much guilt and paralyzing grief, I don’t even have words) is the deepest of gratitude and undeserving miracles can coexist alongside a heartache and trauma so deep, it's unimaginable.

After the lights were off last night, and we laid in our beds, in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere, with our girl in the bed next to us, I was sure I would fall asleep quickly. I was exhausted beyond description.

But my mind and heart wouldn’t let me. Every detail of what happened to those friends on the river, as well as what Scott’s mom, dad and sister were going through, just circled around and around and around. A cycle I was powerless to stop.

And suddenly, without even realizing I was doing it, I decided to play a silly little game with myself, that I do on a regular basis, when I have a hard time falling asleep. I go through each letter of the alphabet, naming something in our home with me that starts with that letter. And the tradition of it calms my mind and I’m asleep before I know it.

“I think I’ll do that with our little hotel room, I thought to myself,” without actually thinking.

“Okay so A.”

“Oh wait.”

“Annie.”

And I laid in the dark and sobbed.

Just so grateful

So grateful for these darlings who were available and willing to support Grace yesterday—
it meant a whole lot to her and to us. But we sure missed the other three who had something
they couldn't get out of. I'm just really thankful for this family of ours.

Grace's Peter Pan performance

Grace's second recital, in just as many weeks. And it was incredible. A dance performance of Peter Pan that was so fun
and well done (and which just so happens to also be the first recital she participated in with her current dance company,
when she was just so little). Grace was a shadow, a lost boy and a pirate today. Oh we love this girl. So very much.

PS. If you click on that link above, you'll see that the dance company hired our Annie to do the artwork for that
very first show. And used her artwork again for this performance. I absolutely loved seeing it all again.

This past week

This past week I was able to get out on eleven different walks or runs (short and slow
in the run department for the record). I'm a happier person when I get outside a lot.

Ben's last flag football game

This stud had his last flag football game today (because of a disc golf tournament he has next
weekend) and I was grateful to actually remember to take my good camera in order to get several
 pictures I love of him. I just keep saying it, but that is because I mean it so sincerely...this boy is
something else. I'm so thankful for him and love watching how much joy and energy he
brings to everything he does. He's unreal amazing and I'm just so honored to be his mom.

The coolest birthday guy

Happiest Birthday to this guy that we have grown to love and admire a whole lot the last few months!
Stone has so many amazing qualities, man would I love to be as athletic and brilliant as he is, but the way
he treats our Annie and the deeply good person he chooses to be is something that is so inspiring and
incredible to me. Happy Birthday Stone! Thanks for being one of our favorite people ever.

This soccer stud

This boy has honestly worked his head off the last many weeks. Practices with different teams most every weeknight,
one-on-one soccer training with an amazing coach, soccer workouts at home in his free time, indoor and outdoor
games regularly...it's a lot. And he loves it. And keeps trying to find ways to stretch himself and learn even more.

Just so ridiculously proud of Nate and who he chooses to be. I texted him today to tell him that not only do I love
watching him play soccer because he is so skilled and amazing, but seeing how hard he works and how
he chooses to come back quickly from frustrations and setbacks, is just as inspiring, often more so, to me.

Oh man, this kid is gold. I'm so thankful for him.

Grace's spring dance recital

Grace performed in her main dance recital of the year tonight, dancing in three routines—
pointe, ballet and a creative composition she and the other dancers helped choreograph. I took these
photos during the dress rehearsal and still can't get over how much her dancing took my breath away.
The actual recital made me pretty emotional, thinking about how hard Grace has worked for the last
eight months and how much she loves what she does. I'm just so in awe of our beautiful girl.
She's absolutely tremendous and I'm so thankful she is ours.

Soccer games and handsome boys

Jacob and the boys that were available went to the RSL game last night, both to watch a
great soccer game and to also see Nate's team presented at half time—because of a Southern Utah
tournament they won a few weeks back. It was a happy night. Love these boys a whole lot.

These two darlings

Jacob and I loved taking these two out to lunch today to celebrate Stone's birthday a few days
early. They are just beyond darling and the time to talk and laugh and feel so grateful for Stone
and he and Annie's relationship was just the best. Oh man, just adore these two like crazy.

More flag football

These two darlings

Just feeling grateful for these two and how darling they are and how good they choose to be.
They make everything about life more fun and exciting and I love every second we get to spend with them.

An exciting week for Grace

Darling Grace outgrew her first pair and got a new pair of pointe shoes this week. It was a really happy day for our girl.

And also had a week of extra prep in her dance classes this week, getting ready for a big recital
both next week and the week after. Parents could come in and watch, the last few minutes of class,
if they wanted, and Jacob got this fabulous photo of Grace's group within her dance company—
Shimmer Co. These girls are incredible and we adore each one of them.

High school assembly fun

Assembly fun for these studs. I heard it was a trivia competition between the disc golf club
and the volleyball team and these boys pulled off the win. Oh man, can't believe it is our boy's
 senior year and we are officially five weeks from it being over. Not a fan of time and what
a thief it is right now. But definitely a fan of that Ben Allen. Big time.

Some potentially good news

A follow-up appointment with a sports med doctor for this amazing boy. Nate's got some work
ahead of him, but this boy was never afraid of hard work. And while not guaranteed, it looks like
 the concerning x-ray may possibly be something less worrisome than we thought. We are going
to go ahead with that conclusion until something proves otherwise. Oh I am thankful for really
 good doctors who are thorough and knowledgeable and for truly incredible sons who choose
positivity and calm. Bring on the next several weeks, we've got this for sure.

These two darlings

I've been going through some photos and organizing them a bit better and spent quite
a bit of time enjoying photos of these two darlings. Oh man, they are tremendous.
I'm so thankful for them and their example to me and the goodness they bring to everything
they do and everyone around them. I'm just so grateful to know them and to love them.

A weekend full of disc golf

An evening of Ben convincing his mom to try disc golf for the first time. All five of us played
a few holes at a nearby course together and it was the best. Even if I was the worst. 

In addition, Ben had a multi-round league this weekend and man, the first two rounds were just
rough. The weather didn't help, but sometimes life is just like that and you don't play as well as
you'd like. But Ben came back the final round and moved from ninth place to finish in fourth.
Pretty incredible for just eighteen holes if you ask me. He's amazing that Ben Allen.

Junior high dance company tryouts

 

This little beauty needed a head shot this week, in order to try out for the junior high dance company
 (think performing arts, rather than drill team). We were so thrilled for her when she received the news
she had made the team. The fact that our youngest is about to graduate sixth grade...pure madness.
 The fact that our darling dancer made the dance team she was really hoping to join...a whole lot
of happiness. It was a good week for our amazing girl for sure. We're so thankful.

Darling boys and x-ray fun

A morning appointment to have some imaging done in order to try and figure out an issue Nate has been
dealing with for a bit. Unfortunately, the x-rays added an additional concern that wasn't on anyone's radar,
but we are sure that the specialist we have been told to see will be helpful and fabulous and we will soon
know how to proceed and none of it will be a big deal in the slightest. We sure are feeling grateful for good
doctors and thorough tests that will ensure all of this ultimately ends up a very small issue when it is over.
And this boy, he's so tough, so positive, so good about any kind of set back, it blows me away. Oh I love him.

Our spring break

Because I had a family wedding I needed to be at during the week of our kids' spring break, and also
 because Jacob is the kindest and wanted to give me some time to myself, I spent the first week of April
at home, while Jacob took the three youngest to Moab and Colorado, to camp and hike and bike and
adventure and have fun together. He's the best. And these kids are the most darling. And I'm so thankful
for the week to recharge and for the memories they made together. It was a good few days for all of us.