Going back

Sometimes I am a big goofball about certain things. Let me rephrase that, often I am a big goofball about certain things. An emotional goofball at that. The women in our ward will tell you that I cry at the drop of a hat. Although very few of them ever wear hats so I'm usually good. It is a joke among them to see how many times I will get teary during church. In my defense though, I still cannot get over how much I love them and how affected I am by what happens to them. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I wasn't prepared to feel for them the way I do. Plus I love hats.

So while this blog post has absolutely nothing to do with Relief Society, I thought I'd set up my current emotional state since we moved here. I've always been overly-emotional, but this move brought out some kind of tear-induced craziness. I tell you, almost twelve months later and I am still going strong. What, you want me to get to the point? If only I could remember what it was. Oh yeah, it's coming back to me.

This morning I was reading the blog of someone I know. Her sweet kids went back to school yesterday (uh, for those of us who have only been celebrating summer for a month, that was weird to read). Anyway, I love how she writes, but her post wasn't especially sentimental or mushy. It was just a post, with darling pictures, of her four kids headed to their first day of school. And it made me emotional.

Now let me be clear here. I do not pretend to be an incredible mother. I feel extremely lacking in that particular area in my life. Not a pathetic, "I'm so terrible!" lacking (at least most days), but an "Err, why don't I do better at this?" kind of lacking. Some days I get it and get it good. Many other days, not so much. I get frustrated, I yell, I let them watch too much TV, I sometimes realize it is 2:00pm and they haven't had lunch. But for all of my inadequacies (and they are many), I LOVE my kids. More than I knew it was possible to love another person.

Jacob is the love of my life and truly the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I feel overwhelmed often at the feelings I have for him and the deep gratitude that I get to go through this life, and the next, by his side. I completely adore him. That being said, you love your children differently than anyone else. And that is only right. There is a fierceness and protectiveness that goes to the deepest part of my heart like nothing I could ever have imagined. I am their mother and they need me. What I do and say, how I act and how I respond to them matters. It matters a lot. They don't need me to be perfect, but they need me to be their mom. And while I have so many shortcomings as a mother, there is one thing I know and that I tell them often. I love them, I will always love them and there is not anything they can do that will change my love for them.

And that is why the post about going back to school this morning made me emotional. I love having my kids around me. I would never pretend that I am not excited to get back to a schedule, excited to have them in school, excited to have some more free time (one at home, I don't even know how to wrap my mind around that), because I am. Besides, they love school and they are going to be fine—even my little Matt starting Kindergarten (welcome back tears). But I truly enjoy having them around. I enjoy running errands carrying one with the other three at my side. I enjoy hearing them come up with games to play together. I enjoy listening to music with them while they work on some activity at the table. I enjoy watching them run around the backyard laughing and having fun. I just enjoy them.

So even though the first day of school is more than three weeks away, there is a big part of me that doesn't like the idea. But luckily, the other part of me knows that my goal is to raise healthy, happy, productive, independent children. So any step that gets them closer to that is makes me joyful. Even if today, the thought of them starting school again makes me teary.