Overwhelmed

​Earlier this week, three​​ of my sweet kids handed me an envelope. I was completely confused by what was happening, so I quickly opened it.

And immediately realized that they were giving me a belated birthday gift. And when I read the card and saw the accompanying present, I started to get emotional. I truly don't know how to put into words how much this gift means to me, but my heart has told me that I need to try. It is important for them to know, and for me to remember, how deeply I was touched by what they did. I just can't get over it.

These three darlings gave me the bracelet you see in this picture. It is from Pura Vida and is just plain cool. No way around it and I would be proud to wear it no matter what, because they are the ones that gave it to me. But what touched my heart deeper than I could ever convey, is why they gave me this particular bracelet.

This bracelet is a tangible reminder of those that struggle with mental illness and a portion of the proceeds of every bracelet purchased, go toward mental health awareness.

My struggle with depression and anxiety has been a long, hard road for me. And most of the time, it would be easier to keep it to myself and just survive as best I can. But I just can't do it. I can't. My heart knows what is best for me, for my family and for several I have had the privilege of helping. And that is to be open and honest and vulnerable about my ongoing experience with mental illness. It isn't an option for me to keep quiet about it. Not for the kind of life I want to live and not for the type of mother, wife and friend I would like to be. So, we, as a family, talk openly and honestly (on a regular basis) about depression and mental illness and what it means and what it doesn't mean and how important it is for everything surrounding this challenge that so many face, to be filled with kindness and understanding and honesty.

I don't share any of this to ever, ever, ever try to sound like I am so great and what I am doing is the right way for it to be done. God has blessed me to live the part of my story that is mental illness openly and honestly. And that is what works best for me. And I believe what works best for our family. Because I fall so short as a parent. I have so many weaknesses and failings that I wish weren't the case. I pray every single day that God would please, please, please make up where I lack when it comes to my tremendous children. Because they mean more to me than anything and I just so desperately want to be the mother my Father in Heaven is asking me to be.

But dang it to heck, there is one place that you will see me fight harder than most anything else in the world. And that is making absolutely certain that our children know that I will always keep trying and fighting and pushing back the darkness and pain and numbness, no matter how many times it comes for me again. No matter how hard or how often it shows up, I will fight. Because of them. Because God let me be their mother, knowing that mental illness would be a part of my story. And I strongly believe that depression and anxiety could actually be a blessing and a benefit to them. Or it couldn't. I refuse to let the second one be the case. I refuse to let them ever think they have to own any of my struggles or take them on themselves. I refuse to stay silent and have them wonder if they did something differently or tried harder or were more perfect, if it could help me. I refuse to make them wonder and worry if depression will eventually get the upper hand on me. And I refuse to make them think they will ever be the cause of it, that it is ever a taboo subject or that hope and joy will ever cease to exist alongside mental illness. It is always there. Even if the darkness keeps me from seeing it for a time. 

So this gift has made me emotional more times than I can count in the last several days. Because my children saw a bracelet that represented the millions of God's children with this often invisible illness and they wanted me, one of those children, to have it. They didn't shy away or feel embarrassed that their mom deals with depression and anxiety, they wanted to celebrate the fact that this is a part of my story and it is nothing to be ashamed of. They knew I would not only feel comfortable wearing it, I would be proud to wear it. Just like they were proud to give it to me. Can you imagine what that means to me? Because I have no way to truly convey the depth of my gratitude for every bit of it.

I'm so thankful. I'm so humbled. I'm so touched by these incredible children I have the privilege of raising. I can't believe my Heavenly Father would let me be their mom. And I am sincerely grateful that mental illness is a part of my story here in mortality. I truly am. I believe it is one of the only ways I can become the person I promised my God I would become. And that is worth every struggle, every dark day, every painful moment. It truly is. And I hope these incredible chicklets of mine never forget that.

Oh I love them something fierce.


(PS. Annie girl let me know multiple times that the whole idea was Matt's and that he thought of it, instigated it and invited her and Ben to join him if they wanted. That boy is tremendous beyond words. Who says teenagers aren't thoughtful and kind and good to the core? Not I, says the Linn. How I love these sweet kids and their incredible hearts.)