My thoughts tonight

Just sitting in the backyard, taking a moment to breathe after a very full first day
of school for our three youngest. With so many thoughts running through my head.

This summer was wonkadoo. Just bananas to me, for so many reasons,
and I am exhausted to a point that I haven’t felt in a while.

AND

I’m sincerely just the luckiest girl ever to be a wife and mother and to get to do that
with all my days and hours. For me personally, I can’t even fathom doing anything else.

AND

I need order and a schedule so badly right now, I could cry.
Oh wait I have. So many times the last few days.

AND

When I actually get that orderly, busy schedule that comes with the school year, it can
become overwhelming and too much for me at times. A lot of times. And I long for less.

AND

Some very specific worries and concerns I have for a few of those I love most
in the world have felt so difficult and paralyzing to me of late. It is fueling
my depression and I’m fighting with everything I have not to go down with it.

AND

I just keep witnessing miracles. Over and over again and in ways that absolutely blow me
away with their beauty and sacredness. Especially for those that I’m so concerned about.
Angels are near and God loves my people so much, it is unimaginable. And so the peace comes.

AND

How can I have been a mother for nearly twenty-six years and
still not have a clue what I am doing? Oh my field of tulips, this is ridiculous.

AND

God continues to make me enough. While I simultaneously fall so dang short it is
unreal and embarrassing. He just keeps making it enough. Every time it matters.

I’m so grateful for a life that brings me to my knees, in tears, on a regular basis.
And has me laughing and loving and absolutely overwhelmed with my blessings in the
next moment. God has been teaching me about how so many conflicting feelings and
experiences can coexist together, even when it doesn’t make any sense. But oh my
it is beautiful and right, exhausting and ridiculous. All wrapped up together tight.

I’m so thankful for Him. And this wild, fragile, gorgeous, imperfect life I have.
I can’t believe He loves me enough to let me live it.