Field tripping

Spent the morning field tripping with this little love and her
Kindergarten friends. It was a good way to start the day.

Good

“The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good,
but that God will make us good because He loves us.”

~ C.S. Lewis

26 days...

For the first time in a whole lot of months, I just had the thought, "I've got to call
my Mom, she has to be freaking out!" That was pure awesomeness. I love Gonzaga and
it was still pure awesomeness. Games like this make me so excited for March Madness,
I could burst. Twenty-six days, my friends. You know, if you are counting.

Last Sunday

Taking it back to Sunday when my in-laws gave the most incredible talks 

in church, after returning from their two years of intense service in the

Missionary Training Center in Ghana. And then we were able to all be together for

an afternoon, as family and friends, to eat and talk and laugh. It was a good Sabbath.

This is my sacred duty

It was the perfect day to be in the temple. I love it so.

We are really good at weird

Two kids, one asking to prom, one answering.

I'd be so DISHWASHER to go to PROM with you.

No, it isn't supposed to make sense, that was the point. But Matt finding a free dishwasher
on the classifieds and asking his darling friend this way was pretty funny. Especially since he
convinced Jacob and I to set it all up while his friends were all hanging out as a group. So when
the girl he asked came to the door, the boy who was doing the asking had been with her all
night and was standing alongside her at the door. Hilarious, thy name is Matthew Allen.

 

I'd give one of my ORGANS to go to PROM with you.

I am so proud of the way Annie answered the cute boy that asked her to prom, I can 

hardly stand it. Because I came up with the idea. While searching the classifieds 

for Matt, I saw a couple of small home organs for free and suddenly, the idea for

 what to say on the poster came to me. And Annie liked it enough to go with it.
And of course, made the poster to perfection. It turned out being pretty fantastic.

Well, there you go. If you start seeing large furniture items on the front lawns of homes 

in your neighborhood, you can deduce two things. First, a high school dance is just 

around the corner. And second, the Allen family has apparently started a trend.

Now step up...and again...now v-step...

When I bought this outfit for Grace several weeks ago, Annie and I could
not quit laughing at how much she looked like a step aerobics instructor
from the 80s. So when she got ready for dance class tonight and I saw how
perfectly her hair completed the look, I had to share. Aaaaand. You're welcome.

6th grade dance

I had the fun opportunity of being on the 6th grade dance committee and this past

Friday, we put on an 80s dance for this great group of kids. It really was so fun and

I loved watching Ben have a great time with his friends. I'm so thankful to be a

mom and to have chances to be with my kids at times like these. What a blast!

Just some bird watching on a winter day

Overwhelmed

​Earlier this week, three​​ of my sweet kids handed me an envelope. I was completely confused by what was happening, so I quickly opened it.

And immediately realized that they were giving me a belated birthday gift. And when I read the card and saw the accompanying present, I started to get emotional. I truly don't know how to put into words how much this gift means to me, but my heart has told me that I need to try. It is important for them to know, and for me to remember, how deeply I was touched by what they did. I just can't get over it.

These three darlings gave me the bracelet you see in this picture. It is from Pura Vida and is just plain cool. No way around it and I would be proud to wear it no matter what, because they are the ones that gave it to me. But what touched my heart deeper than I could ever convey, is why they gave me this particular bracelet.

This bracelet is a tangible reminder of those that struggle with mental illness and a portion of the proceeds of every bracelet purchased, go toward mental health awareness.

My struggle with depression and anxiety has been a long, hard road for me. And most of the time, it would be easier to keep it to myself and just survive as best I can. But I just can't do it. I can't. My heart knows what is best for me, for my family and for several I have had the privilege of helping. And that is to be open and honest and vulnerable about my ongoing experience with mental illness. It isn't an option for me to keep quiet about it. Not for the kind of life I want to live and not for the type of mother, wife and friend I would like to be. So, we, as a family, talk openly and honestly (on a regular basis) about depression and mental illness and what it means and what it doesn't mean and how important it is for everything surrounding this challenge that so many face, to be filled with kindness and understanding and honesty.

I don't share any of this to ever, ever, ever try to sound like I am so great and what I am doing is the right way for it to be done. God has blessed me to live the part of my story that is mental illness openly and honestly. And that is what works best for me. And I believe what works best for our family. Because I fall so short as a parent. I have so many weaknesses and failings that I wish weren't the case. I pray every single day that God would please, please, please make up where I lack when it comes to my tremendous children. Because they mean more to me than anything and I just so desperately want to be the mother my Father in Heaven is asking me to be.

But dang it to heck, there is one place that you will see me fight harder than most anything else in the world. And that is making absolutely certain that our children know that I will always keep trying and fighting and pushing back the darkness and pain and numbness, no matter how many times it comes for me again. No matter how hard or how often it shows up, I will fight. Because of them. Because God let me be their mother, knowing that mental illness would be a part of my story. And I strongly believe that depression and anxiety could actually be a blessing and a benefit to them. Or it couldn't. I refuse to let the second one be the case. I refuse to let them ever think they have to own any of my struggles or take them on themselves. I refuse to stay silent and have them wonder if they did something differently or tried harder or were more perfect, if it could help me. I refuse to make them wonder and worry if depression will eventually get the upper hand on me. And I refuse to make them think they will ever be the cause of it, that it is ever a taboo subject or that hope and joy will ever cease to exist alongside mental illness. It is always there. Even if the darkness keeps me from seeing it for a time. 

So this gift has made me emotional more times than I can count in the last several days. Because my children saw a bracelet that represented the millions of God's children with this often invisible illness and they wanted me, one of those children, to have it. They didn't shy away or feel embarrassed that their mom deals with depression and anxiety, they wanted to celebrate the fact that this is a part of my story and it is nothing to be ashamed of. They knew I would not only feel comfortable wearing it, I would be proud to wear it. Just like they were proud to give it to me. Can you imagine what that means to me? Because I have no way to truly convey the depth of my gratitude for every bit of it.

I'm so thankful. I'm so humbled. I'm so touched by these incredible children I have the privilege of raising. I can't believe my Heavenly Father would let me be their mom. And I am sincerely grateful that mental illness is a part of my story here in mortality. I truly am. I believe it is one of the only ways I can become the person I promised my God I would become. And that is worth every struggle, every dark day, every painful moment. It truly is. And I hope these incredible chicklets of mine never forget that.

Oh I love them something fierce.


(PS. Annie girl let me know multiple times that the whole idea was Matt's and that he thought of it, instigated it and invited her and Ben to join him if they wanted. That boy is tremendous beyond words. Who says teenagers aren't thoughtful and kind and good to the core? Not I, says the Linn. How I love these sweet kids and their incredible hearts.)

This guy

He's been my Valentine for the last twenty-two years. I'm the luckiest.

DARE graduation

 

This stud graduated from the DARE program today and I loved being
there and cheering him on. I'm so thankful for such great people willing
to teach my kids about good choices and doing the right thing. 

Love our incredible boy and his good heart and awesome self.

What matters most

I really love how hard my kids are willing to work, how they excel at school, how they want
to do their best, how their inherited their dad's genius mind. But nothing matters to me more
than their kindness to others and to themselves. Nothing. We're not perfect at it, but we keep
trying. Because it is just really, really important. And this little note of recognition that Nate
brought home from his teachers makes me so grateful that he knows it does make a difference.

Keep being kind, my sweet boy. The world needs it.
And God sees it. And is so very grateful.

Her last high school dance

Just a few days late in posting about this beautiful girl being asked to
her last high school dance. Prom to be exact. I just cannot believe she has
so few months left before she will graduate. Time just keeps on flying.
And Annie just keeps on being amazing and darling. I adore her so much.

Surgery, socks and gorgeous selfies

What an exciting day. Because nothing says "let's get this party started" more than a pair of
this lovely and fashionable footwear. Jealously, thy name is Linn Allen's blog followers.

And when you are already blessed with a nose of the larger variety, nothing
like an invasive sinus/deviated septum surgery to make it swell to even greater
heights. Or widths. Yee to the Haw. Attractive, thy name is yours truly.

And now, bring on your best mustache joke. Or I'll take any clean humor. I'm clearly not in a position
to be picky. Feel free to send them my way through email or text or carrier pigeon. Please and thanks.
Because I could use a few laughs (mostly some calm chuckles, says the middle of my face), as I lay
here in my loopy state, grateful to have this surgery over and anxious to have the healing complete.
So while I am impatiently waiting... Entertainment, thy name is all you funny people. Thanks friends!

Forty and three

I'm just so grateful and overwhelmed with today and the kindness of so many around me.
I literally received dozens of texts and phone calls and emails and IG messages. It absolutely blew
me away that it just kept coming and coming and coming. And then there was the surprise visit
from two of my siblings, my dad who came by after his shift at the temple, the videos and messages
from several of my sisters-in-law and a brother-in-law, a phone call from Jacob's grandma, two other
of my siblings and my sister-in-law who wanted me to know they were thinking of me, a phone
call from my in-laws and multiple friends who came to my door just to give me a hug and a treat.
I'm just so humbled and touched, I don't know how to tell you all thank you enough.

And how could I ever properly share how Jacob and my kids treated me today? Each of our
middle four kids wrote me a sweet message that made me emotional. While our youngest
little love sent me on a treasure hunt, following paw prints along the way, with a treat at
the end. And my missionary boy called for a few minutes to thank me for being his
mom and so that he and his companion could sing to me in Portuguese I'm teary
even thinking about everything my kids did. I can't believe I get to be their mom.

And my incredible husband. Where do I begin? His sweetness and goodness to me has always
been ridiculous, but today, it was about fourteen steps beyond that. I wish I could share just
how loved he made me feel, how thoughtful every gift he gave me was, how often he asked
what else he could do to make my birthday the best ever. I don't deserve him. But I thank my
Father in Heaven every single day that I have the privilege of being married to Jacob Allen.

Thank you dear friends and my incredible family! I am just so honored to know you and to
be a part of your lives. Thank you for making this silly little birthday of mine such a big
deal. I'm so grateful and blown away by how you chose to treat an old lady on this cold
winter day. I don't know how I could be so blessed, but I do know I'm surely the luckiest.

I love these three so much

These three chicklets aced their parent teacher conferences. Again. To any kind
soul who gives me any portion of credit for how amazing they are, I say,
"They came this way. I just try to stay out of their way and watch them soar."

A play in one act

This darling girl had closing night for her One Act play yesterday and was honestly
just incredible during every performance. The whole cast was amazing, the director
was fabulous and our Annie was absolutely hilarious. It was a fun few nights
and I truly never tire of seeing this girl on stage, completely in her element.

Our boy

Next to the sweetness and goodness of watching our darling Nate be baptized and receive
the gift of the Holy Ghost, the part of his special day that meant the most to me was that
our oldest received special permission to call in, listen and be a part of this memorable
family event. I loved it so much. And love this missionary boy of ours even more.

I think it was hard on all of us not to have Campbell here for such an important day in our
family. Yet, he is exactly where he should be. Teaching others that God loves them deeply and
unconditionally and that the Savior made it possible for each of us to be a family, not just for this life,
but for eternity. I'm so proud of him. And miss him so much. But mostly, I'm just so proud of him.

Yesterday

A few more photos from yesterday. It meant so much to have such
incredible support from family--so many aunts, uncles, cousins and
grandparents. We are so blessed. And our Nathan boy is so very loved.

Nate's special day

This sweet, sweet boy made the decision today to be baptized a member of
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and to receive the incredible
gift of the Holy Ghost, to always be with him as he strives to live a worthy
life and follow our Savior and Redeemer. I'm so filled with gratitude for
his sweetness and light, for his brilliant mind and his outstanding heart.
It was a beautiful day that left me overwhelmed with thankfulness and love
for my Father in Heaven, my Savior, Jesus Christ and my wonderful life.