Dance class and technology

There isn't a whole lot cuter than dance class over zoom. Man, we sure
are grateful for technology. And Grace's dance studio and her teachers.

Right now

I'm relaxing and reading on my bed, listening to the sound of my oldest play his guitar and sing. The seven people I love most in this world are in our home. Safe. Protected. Healthy. Loved. A day spent, joining millions of others in fasting and prayer for relief (in every possible and important way) from this global crisis, is coming to a close.

And I just feel overwhelmed.

What we are all going through isn't easy. For any of us. I can feel the depression I have been gifted in this life, stepping closer, retreating a bit and then crawling close again. I am constantly reassessing the line between being mindful and watchful, diligent in my self care, overly alert with my mental health. And breathing deeply, doing my best, loving those around me and not focusing too much on what I can't control. It is a dance that feels precarious and I want to do it well. But it isn't easy.

And then. Then, there are people dying. There is worry and fear. There is frustration and loneliness and pure grief. Some of it from a virus, all of it from being mortals in a mortal world. That sometimes shatters hearts and makes it hard to breathe. Life feels fragile and strange. And the seriousness of so much that surrounds us also makes many of us feel shallow for wanting some time alone or the chance to grocery shop without empty aisles and social distancing.

All of it is hard.

Yet oddly...my overwhelm today comes from joy. And peace. And gratitude. And a knowledge that my God is the same God as He was four weeks ago, four months ago, four years ago and four thousand years ago. He is literally our Father. He gave His Son. To me. To you. To all of us. Because of love.

Unimaginable.

None of what has happened of late has taken our Father in Heaven or our Savior by surprise. They aren't scrambling to figure it out or wondering what to do next. They know. They just know. And if I will trust Them, truly trust Them, I will also. That is why I am overwhelmed. Because I'm so undeservedly blessed. And I want nothing more than to make sure They know how grateful I am. Through my actions, my prayers and my faith.

Sometimes, overwhelm is a good thing. Like today.

Like right now.

Visitors

 Social distancing stinks sometimes, but it sure makes for amusing photos. These two are the best!
And the fact that they would come to say welcome home (within an hour of our boy walking in the
door) and bring Cam some treats (from a distance of course), meant so much to him and to us.

 More darling visitors welcoming our boy home. From a distance. It was so 

kind of Rex and Nancy to come and see Campbell and talk to him for a while!

 More wonderful visitors. Honestly, you people are the best! And this sign is pure gold.

Welcome home Campbell! It feels like a BRAZILLION years since we've seen you!

And finally, zooming with my sweet Dad. I loved hearing parts of it. 

Especially the question my Dad asked Campbell exactly at the moment I captured

 this photo, "And what are your plans concerning your next companion?"

He asks with the most sincere voice and the straightest face and 

I love it so much. My Dad is the best. And he makes me so happy!

Home

Six hundred fourteen days ago, our boy left everything he knew and loved, to serve
a mission as a disciple of Jesus Christ. Today, my Savior brought him back

to us, his mission complete. My heart is completely overwhelmed with gratitude.

Beautifully sacred

Several days ago, God allowed me to have such a beautifully, sacred experience. And I can't quit thinking about it or just how deeply our Heavenly Father loves His children. And while it has taken me some time to put my thoughts into words, I felt strongly this is one of those things I do need to share. I'm not sure why, but I do know it is incredibly important.

Two weeks ago tomorrow night, I had trouble falling asleep. It was after 2am before my body finally gave in to slumber. Gratefully, I wasn't overly concerned about it, as the next day was not only Saturday, but one of the initial days where everything was cancelled due to the virus going around. I knew I could actually sleep in as long as I wanted. And I was grateful.

So imagine my surprise when I woke up just after 8am. There wasn't anything external that woke me up, instead a strong and sure feeling to check my phone, brought me out of a sound sleep. I reached for my phone, not even having a guess what I was searching for. 

The only notification I choose to have on my phone is that of text messages (to be sure Jacob and our kids can reach me if they need to). Emails, social media, calendaring, etc. I have to go into and check myself. So because there wasn't a text notification, I realized I would need to go searching. It took a couple of minutes, but as soon as I opened Instagram and saw an arrow in the top corner with a red message, I knew I had found it. Even before opening it, my heart knew this was why the Spirit had woken me up. 

And then, within seconds of clicking on the message, my heart started to pound and I began to sob. A sweet friend of mine, who I have known through blogs and Instagram for almost a decade, was writing to share with me the obituary of her sweet son. Everything felt so surreal and terrible in that moment and I audibly said out loud several times, "Heavenly Father, please no. Please, please, please no. Please don't let this be real Father. Please."

But it was. And I quickly discovered from the obituary my sweet friend had shared that her tremendous boy's funeral was in two hours. An hour away from where I lived. And all I could think was how thankful I felt to know, because if I hurried, I could make it.

I wrote back to my friend, to let her know I was sorry beyond what I could convey and that I just didn't want it to be real. That I had begun praying and that I wouldn't stop. And that I was jumping in the shower and I would be there for the celebration of her sweet boy and the tremendous life he lived on earth. I told her I wouldn't bother saying hello, as she needed every moment with her family during this time. But that I wanted her to know I was there to support her and to honor her amazing son. And was beyond touched when just a couple of minutes later, my friend replied and asked that I please, please say hello at the funeral, if at all possible. 

I sat for a few more minutes, crying that I didn't know that this amazing boy had returned to his heavenly home so many days earlier, but also overwhelmed that my Father in Heaven would allow me to know of this just exactly at a time when I would be able to be there to support my friend and her family. I saw the message she sent only thirteen minutes after she pressed send. God is so kind. Just so very kind. 

I attended the funeral and I truly don't know how to express in the written language what it did to my heart. I can only say it was one of the most beautiful, most perfect, most Spirit-filled experiences I have ever had in this life. I will hold those feelings and impressions and memories of those three hours in my heart forever. It changed me. And I never want to forget that. 

At the end of it all, I did have a chance to say hello to my friend. Someone I have known for almost a decade, but had ever met in person. I hated that this was the way we were first meeting. And I loved that God was letting this be the first time we were meeting. A time when I needed her to know, more than any other moment, that she was being prayed for, thought of and supported as constantly as I knew how. I will never forget my sweet friend's composure and grace when I gave her a hug and told her how amazing her boy is, how inspiring his mortal journey was and how deeply heartbroken I felt for her mother's heart. I won't ever forget it. And I don't want to.

God loves His children. More than we could ever imagine. I've shared before that when I grasp even the smallest part of His love for us, it takes my breath away. Every single time. And this experience I had less than two weeks ago, left me breathless. More than once.

You might think that this moment of waking up to the Spirit was for me. And it probably was--in some small way. And I am forever grateful. But what I felt when I opened that message and saw the obituary of this incredible boy who lived mortality well and still lives--loved and cherished and waiting with our God and our Savior for his family to join him--was how much our Father in Heaven loves his mother. I was absolutely breathless as the Spirit showed me a small part of that love for my friend. For who she has chosen to be, for her choice to bring children to this earth and raise them so very well, for the tears our God and our Savior have shed for the loss she is experiencing and the feelings in her mother's heart. I felt a small bit of it and felt emotional from the unimaginable grief, as well as the unimaginable love, that is individually for her, a daughter of our Eternal God and a sister to our Elder Brother who gave everything for each one of us. And Their love of her, will make all of this okay in the end. I know that as deeply as I know anything. But until then, when it feels everything but okay, They will never leave her side and have never been as close as those moments, days and weeks of her incredible boy returning to his eternal home.

I'm so grateful for the Holy Ghost. And my Savior, Jesus Christ. And my Heavenly Father. I live daily with the incredible knowledge of Their goodness and love and that each one of us are loved by Them more deeply than we can ever imagine. And that truly is what will make everything we go through glorious and beautiful in the end. And less horrific and crushing in the meantime. They are by our side. I know that as deeply as I know anything. 

Oh God is good. Always, always, always. And I can hardly believe that He is so overwhelmingly kind to me. Always, always, always.

(Sunset photo by my Matthew boy. Who is the same age as my friend's son. I just can't.)

Another day of quarantine, another sanity walk

I'm cold and wet and lovelier to be around.

Winning at life...quarantine life

Matt just came to me to let me know he had made an important life decision.

I'm going to get a baby moose.

Quarantine is going great over here, in case you are wondering.

Social distancing at its best

Jacob teaching Jacob

Teaching our kids insights from Jacob 5 in the Book of Mormon. He's the best.

Called to serve our King

So many of you kind people have asked about our missionary boy. Thank you!

He is doing amazingly well! He was able to call for just 10 minutes yesterday

with an update. His area should be on full quarantine by tomorrow. He has been

on partial quarantine for a few days and has been racing around, contacting members

and teaching investigators as often as possible. The little island/peninsula that he is

on does not have any cases of the virus right now, so that is a wonderful blessing.

 He is being real about the challenges of a full quarantine, but he is also faithful and

happy and absolutely hilarious. We haven't even spoken about the idea that he could be

coming home soon. Not because it isn't a reality, but because we feel so peaceful and calm

and are so trusting of our prophet and our God and know their love and timing is perfect.

Their watchful care of these missionaries is touching and beautiful to behold.

Our sweet boy wants to be a missionary every second he is able to. He knows that he

could be home very soon, but until that happens, he continues to give his mission his all.

Watching all of this from a distance is such a privilege. And being Elder Campbell Allen's

mother is an honor that I will thank the Lord for all of eternity, is mine.

March Sadness

For more than three decades, this very day has been my absolute favorite of the entire year.
And no matter how shallow or lame it makes me (especially with so many really problems and
issues out there), the truth is, I've been sad all day. I would give a whole lot to be sitting in front
of my television yelling and cheering and anticipating and just feeling so dang happy (except
when I was super ticked that certain teams won--I'm looking at you Kansas and Michigan State).
I would have been especially grateful for such a fun diversion during the coming weeks.

But such is life, such are the current times and here I am instead, wearing my
Michigan shirt (thanks for the birthday gift Jacob Ethan!) and watching some lame
animated movie my kids put on. It's fine, it's fine. I'm not bitter. I'm perfectly fine.

Nate the Great

Jacob took this darling mountain goat hiking last weekend.
They both loved it. And is it just me or does this boy of the long legs
look a little too grown up these days? I love this boy of ours so much.

(Also, I spy Denali girl. Right before she was sprayed by a skunk. Oh the joy.)

7th grade

Just because this boy had to do his 7th grade registration online, rather than in person
like the original plan, doesn't make it any less notable that he will be starting junior
high in the fall. Sweet waffles, time and its propensity to fly. Sure love this incredible
boy something crazy. He's tremendous. And I just really love being his mom.

The last time, for a long time

 

 

Being in the temple, before it closes for the unforeseeable future, was exactly what
I needed tonight. Especially with this guy. I'm so grateful for him. Life feels so strange
right now. I'm thankful I have him by my side to navigate it all. He's just the best.

A night to remember

 

Last night was one of the most surreal, most touching, most emotional evenings I've ever
experienced. Somehow, even with all the crazy right now, I just didn't imagine Annie's
final play of her senior year would be cancelled. Yet, it was. And their final rehearsal last
evening, that I had attended in order to take photos, turned into their only performance.

I could never share all that happened or all that I was feeling. So I will just say that my heart was
so incredibly sad for my girl to have her high school theatre experience end that way. Yet the
amazing way she handled it, her selflessness in such a hard moment, the way the community
came together and came running as word got out and the sweetness of the kids' director and
teacher as he cried and cried that this was happening to them, was just something else to watch.

It was incredible. And I'll always be grateful I was there to see it all unfold.

In addition, within minutes of a reply text to my sweet sister-in-law, she and her family
were at the high school last night to support Annie. It meant more than I could ever say.
.
And then Annie's cousin, who lives more than an hour away, jumped in her car and came
to the play, in order to watch Annie in the second half of the performance. I just can't even.
.
That is why I will love this photo forever. Because it is of three beautiful cousins
who are darling and good and such close friends. But it also represents the
support of family in a way that just kind of blows my mind. I'm so very grateful.

Yesterday

Matthew Davis

Happy Birthday my amazing boy! You are so very loved.

{SIXTEEN}

Chasing the sunset

More sunset chasing. Love this last picture something crazy. 

Love that boy in this last picture something fierce.

Happy Birthday Jacob Ethan!

More than four decades of mortality and he still continues to be kind and caring and
brilliant and athletic and hard working and humble and easy on the eyes and good.
So very good. He truly gets better with age and I'm thankful every single day I get to be
by his side to watch it all happen. Most especially on this great day of celebrating him.

Forty-three days ago today, Jacob Ethan Allen was born. I'm just so grateful. This world needs
him, his family needs him, and oh how I need him. And in one of the greatest compliments I
could give anyone, I have felt multiple times how proud God is to have him as His son and how
deeply He trusts his goodness, his heart and his willingness to be who he has the potential to be.

Happy Birthday my love. Thanks for being you and for letting me be yours.
You're pretty much the greatest and I am forever the luckiest.

Meet Pinkalicious and Flat Stanley

When you're trying to figure out how you can talk your youngests into not wanting 

to participate in "dress as your favorite book character day" for school, but instead,

 their incredible sister not only wants to make it happen, but wants it to be absolutely 

amazing. So instead you channel that energy into figuring out how to convince 

her not to go away to college and instead stay and raise her siblings for you.

Three I love so very much in one photo

Field tripping

Spent the morning field tripping with this little love and her
Kindergarten friends. It was a good way to start the day.

Good

“The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good,
but that God will make us good because He loves us.”

~ C.S. Lewis

26 days...

For the first time in a whole lot of months, I just had the thought, "I've got to call
my Mom, she has to be freaking out!" That was pure awesomeness. I love Gonzaga and
it was still pure awesomeness. Games like this make me so excited for March Madness,
I could burst. Twenty-six days, my friends. You know, if you are counting.

Last Sunday

Taking it back to Sunday when my in-laws gave the most incredible talks 

in church, after returning from their two years of intense service in the

Missionary Training Center in Ghana. And then we were able to all be together for

an afternoon, as family and friends, to eat and talk and laugh. It was a good Sabbath.

This is my sacred duty

It was the perfect day to be in the temple. I love it so.

We are really good at weird

Two kids, one asking to prom, one answering.

I'd be so DISHWASHER to go to PROM with you.

No, it isn't supposed to make sense, that was the point. But Matt finding a free dishwasher
on the classifieds and asking his darling friend this way was pretty funny. Especially since he
convinced Jacob and I to set it all up while his friends were all hanging out as a group. So when
the girl he asked came to the door, the boy who was doing the asking had been with her all
night and was standing alongside her at the door. Hilarious, thy name is Matthew Allen.

 

I'd give one of my ORGANS to go to PROM with you.

I am so proud of the way Annie answered the cute boy that asked her to prom, I can 

hardly stand it. Because I came up with the idea. While searching the classifieds 

for Matt, I saw a couple of small home organs for free and suddenly, the idea for

 what to say on the poster came to me. And Annie liked it enough to go with it.
And of course, made the poster to perfection. It turned out being pretty fantastic.

Well, there you go. If you start seeing large furniture items on the front lawns of homes 

in your neighborhood, you can deduce two things. First, a high school dance is just 

around the corner. And second, the Allen family has apparently started a trend.

Now step up...and again...now v-step...

When I bought this outfit for Grace several weeks ago, Annie and I could
not quit laughing at how much she looked like a step aerobics instructor
from the 80s. So when she got ready for dance class tonight and I saw how
perfectly her hair completed the look, I had to share. Aaaaand. You're welcome.

6th grade dance

I had the fun opportunity of being on the 6th grade dance committee and this past

Friday, we put on an 80s dance for this great group of kids. It really was so fun and

I loved watching Ben have a great time with his friends. I'm so thankful to be a

mom and to have chances to be with my kids at times like these. What a blast!

Just some bird watching on a winter day

Overwhelmed

​Earlier this week, three​​ of my sweet kids handed me an envelope. I was completely confused by what was happening, so I quickly opened it.

And immediately realized that they were giving me a belated birthday gift. And when I read the card and saw the accompanying present, I started to get emotional. I truly don't know how to put into words how much this gift means to me, but my heart has told me that I need to try. It is important for them to know, and for me to remember, how deeply I was touched by what they did. I just can't get over it.

These three darlings gave me the bracelet you see in this picture. It is from Pura Vida and is just plain cool. No way around it and I would be proud to wear it no matter what, because they are the ones that gave it to me. But what touched my heart deeper than I could ever convey, is why they gave me this particular bracelet.

This bracelet is a tangible reminder of those that struggle with mental illness and a portion of the proceeds of every bracelet purchased, go toward mental health awareness.

My struggle with depression and anxiety has been a long, hard road for me. And most of the time, it would be easier to keep it to myself and just survive as best I can. But I just can't do it. I can't. My heart knows what is best for me, for my family and for several I have had the privilege of helping. And that is to be open and honest and vulnerable about my ongoing experience with mental illness. It isn't an option for me to keep quiet about it. Not for the kind of life I want to live and not for the type of mother, wife and friend I would like to be. So, we, as a family, talk openly and honestly (on a regular basis) about depression and mental illness and what it means and what it doesn't mean and how important it is for everything surrounding this challenge that so many face, to be filled with kindness and understanding and honesty.

I don't share any of this to ever, ever, ever try to sound like I am so great and what I am doing is the right way for it to be done. God has blessed me to live the part of my story that is mental illness openly and honestly. And that is what works best for me. And I believe what works best for our family. Because I fall so short as a parent. I have so many weaknesses and failings that I wish weren't the case. I pray every single day that God would please, please, please make up where I lack when it comes to my tremendous children. Because they mean more to me than anything and I just so desperately want to be the mother my Father in Heaven is asking me to be.

But dang it to heck, there is one place that you will see me fight harder than most anything else in the world. And that is making absolutely certain that our children know that I will always keep trying and fighting and pushing back the darkness and pain and numbness, no matter how many times it comes for me again. No matter how hard or how often it shows up, I will fight. Because of them. Because God let me be their mother, knowing that mental illness would be a part of my story. And I strongly believe that depression and anxiety could actually be a blessing and a benefit to them. Or it couldn't. I refuse to let the second one be the case. I refuse to let them ever think they have to own any of my struggles or take them on themselves. I refuse to stay silent and have them wonder if they did something differently or tried harder or were more perfect, if it could help me. I refuse to make them wonder and worry if depression will eventually get the upper hand on me. And I refuse to make them think they will ever be the cause of it, that it is ever a taboo subject or that hope and joy will ever cease to exist alongside mental illness. It is always there. Even if the darkness keeps me from seeing it for a time. 

So this gift has made me emotional more times than I can count in the last several days. Because my children saw a bracelet that represented the millions of God's children with this often invisible illness and they wanted me, one of those children, to have it. They didn't shy away or feel embarrassed that their mom deals with depression and anxiety, they wanted to celebrate the fact that this is a part of my story and it is nothing to be ashamed of. They knew I would not only feel comfortable wearing it, I would be proud to wear it. Just like they were proud to give it to me. Can you imagine what that means to me? Because I have no way to truly convey the depth of my gratitude for every bit of it.

I'm so thankful. I'm so humbled. I'm so touched by these incredible children I have the privilege of raising. I can't believe my Heavenly Father would let me be their mom. And I am sincerely grateful that mental illness is a part of my story here in mortality. I truly am. I believe it is one of the only ways I can become the person I promised my God I would become. And that is worth every struggle, every dark day, every painful moment. It truly is. And I hope these incredible chicklets of mine never forget that.

Oh I love them something fierce.


(PS. Annie girl let me know multiple times that the whole idea was Matt's and that he thought of it, instigated it and invited her and Ben to join him if they wanted. That boy is tremendous beyond words. Who says teenagers aren't thoughtful and kind and good to the core? Not I, says the Linn. How I love these sweet kids and their incredible hearts.)